dykeswithbikes: (jo harvelle)
[personal profile] dykeswithbikes posting in [community profile] theruinedsurpriseparty
I didn’t grow up around writers, or teachers; not in a way different than anyone else. But that’s what I’ve always connected to – writing. It was silly, when I was young, I used to write little stories about girls who were best friends and rode horses together (a horse phase, combined with The Pony Pals series and other books about horses that totally romanticized it for me). When I was in fifth grade I still enjoyed writing, and I wanted to be a teacher.

Now I’ve just graduated high school and I know I’m going to school to study education. I don’t feel confident about most things, but this I do. Sometimes. Most of the time. It’s a work in progress.

Writing is…different. Writing is a thing that develops so slowly we don’t notice it. One day I’ll love something I’ve written and the next I’ll want to tear it apart. I can’t read a lot of fanfiction because I get upset if it’s too good and upset if it’s too shallow. I’m picky I guess. Elitist douchebag.

But writing connects me to who I am. It connects me to my queerness (I can’t define it. I’ve always liked girls, my first crushes were on girls and I just didn’t realize it, and I’ve only ever been in relationships with girls – but I think I could still fall in love with a guy, maybe have sex with one too. It’s hard and annoying and stupid and I don’t like thinking about it), it connects me to the fact that I’m a girl. I like it. I like knowing I’m not alone because fuck, who doesn’t?

I swear a lot when I write, it makes me feel gritty and hungry and powerful, but in real life I’m someone who stutters and snorts and makes a lot of bad jokes and then buries her face in her hands. Whatever – I don’t feel guilty about that stuff, just a little embarrassed sometimes. We’re all, at the core, nervous and self-deprecating. At least, I think so – because if not we’re just kind of lying to ourselves.

I figure that no one knows what to say, so why the fuck should I act like I’m special? Or rather, why the fuck shouldn’t I? I need shit like this (feminism, fighting for the realization and education of ourselves) because God, I don’t want to be alone! And I want to be smarter, I want this to have an impact. I want to talk to kids in the future and explain to them what all this fucked up stuff means. Why being one way is no better or worse than any other way. 

I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to fully understand what it means, or what society does, or what the person next to us says. But I want to try. I want to understand. And I don’t want to hurt people anymore.
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theruinedsurpriseparty: jenny holzer - protect me from what i want (Default)
the ruined surprise party

July 2012


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