the ruined surprise party

I don’t like talking about me. Past the basic interests- tv shows, movies, comics, books- it’s difficult for me to say what I’m like. I don’t have the easiest time making good friendships because I don’t have the easiest time talking. I don’t like to acknowledge my childhood, or even the near past. I haven’t come out to my family (unless you count my mother seeing me naked in bed with one of my friends). Most of my friends know I like women, but more because it’s come up than because I have outwardly said it.

Some days, I say that I’m gay. Other days, I say that I’m bi. Most days, I don’t say anything at all. I know I like women, and likewise, I know I like men. I know I like people who are neither or both. I just don’t have a certain answer. Every day is different, and every person is different. I’m okay with that, even though a lot of people aren’t. I feel comfortable being and accepting myself as female most days. Most days. Sometimes I don’t know what I think, never having been comfortable in women’s fitted t-shirts. I don’t know these things! How is anyone supposed to know? You don’t have to know.

As I said earlier, I like comics, and as I’ll say now, I like calculus and physics. As someone who identifies as female, these interests are totally outlandish- why would a girl like either of these totally ‘masculine’ things? Every time I tell someone I’m majoring in physics, they ask, “Oh, so you want to be a teacher?” No, goddamn it, I want to be a physicist. Women can be scientists. Women should be whatever they want. Anyone should be whatever they want.

Creating art, a mission of this community, doesn't actually make me feel good. It doesn't make me feel happy. Art makes me angry and sad and unfulfilled. It calms me too, sometimes. It’s almost relief, but not really, because nothing is ever good enough. When you’re really connected to something, you often over think. Sometimes when you're writing or drawing- you just need to stop, leave it honest and flawed and perfect. Over thinking is the ruin of creativity, and also why it’s taken me hours to write this.

In summation, I consider myself a full-time bitch and part-time artist. One day, maybe even a part-time scientist. I love drawing, painting, writing- and think, how many famous artists are cisgender men? Basically all! How many artists are not cisgender men? Overwhelmingly more than the number of famous artists make it appear. Be an artist! Be a writer! Be you in the face of everyone else.

Credit yourself. Credit female or queer artists- make us heard, make you heard.

Lots of confused feelings,
Melissa